Disentangling is the key to Divorce | Vadnais Heights, MN
Whether you have been married for two years or twenty, at the time of divorce there are many things to disentangle. Major aspects to attend to will include: finances, living situation, emotions, communication, and parenting concerns.
Property division is another term for disentangling finances. There are a number of significant issues to determine, including:
- Moving from joint accounts to individual bank accounts and credit cards.
- Determining who is responsible for paying specific bills and accounts. Are the debts his, hers, or theirs?
- What are the assets? Bank accounts, investments, retirement accounts or pensions, real estate, vehicles, and expensive possessions, etc. These all need to be accounted for, fully understood by both parties, and a plan for equitable division be set in place.
Many situations call for longer term financial responsibilities that may involve continuation of support in the form of Child Support or Spousal Maintenance.
Your mediator will help you talk through each of these issues and come up with a plan that takes into account your unique situation. You always retain your right to legal advice and may benefit from the help of accountants, financial advisors, or other professionals.
Disentangling Living Situation/Housing
Ultimately, getting a divorce means no longer living in the same premises. This is not too difficult when there are no children involved and there is financial opportunity for one person to move out and establish their own dwelling. Selling or refinancing real estate may be important in order to remove one name from a mortgage, title, or deed in order to complete the financial disentangling process.
Mediation can be very helpful when navigating a balance of her needs/his needs/kids needs and the challenge of limited finances that so often complicate housing choices.
The state of Minnesota has a “no fault” divorce policy that means blame is not assigned and no punishment is meted out simply because of the irretrievable breakdown of a relationship. When people can follow the same guidelines in their emotional processing, this is helpful to all concerned. As long as anyone wants to blame and punish another for the situation they are in or the pain they received, that person remains emotionally entangled with the other. Seeds of anger, bitterness, resentment, and even revenge will grow and bear poisonous fruit. The old proverb states, “Refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It’s not easy, so get all the help you need (therapist, support group, friends, church, etc.) to help you LET GO of the past and move on to a better future.
Take the emotion out of the communication patterns. Pretend you are business associates and MUST treat each other with respect and dignity no matter how you feel inside. Put on a professional demeanor and CHOOSE to be civil in tone of voice and word selection. If there are no children, perhaps you will be able to avoid seeing the Ex for the rest of your life. But where you remain co-parents for life, you owe it to your children to bury the hatchet and play nice.
Disentangling Parenting Issues
A carefully crafted Parenting Plan can provide a roadmap for working together for the sake of the children. It will detail schedules, protocol, finances, and many other helpful concerns. Determine to agree on the big issues, and avoid micromanaging the details. Phrases like “don’t sweat the small stuff” and “don’t play in each other’s backyard” come to mind. You weren’t able to change or control your spouse when married, so please give up any idea that you will be able to mold or shape them after the divorce.
And when it comes to the children, determine to learn how to provide the love and nurture they need along with the right balance of encouragement & accountability as well as support & challenge that will provide them with building blocks of success such as opportunity and empowerment.
Disentangling for your own Health
Whether the divorce was your idea of theirs, find the way to disentangle from the person and the pain of the past. Don’t carry a heavy backpack as you walk into your future. Do what it takes to set it down, come to acceptance, make peace, let go, and set yourself free.
For more information on the process of disentangling during divorce, contact Dorman Mediation and schedule a complimentary one-hour consultation. We would be happy to answer all your questions.